My theory is that people get frustrated when their lives don’t do an about-face after seven days of good intentions. I know I used to. Then one year, about eight years ago, I gave myself an entire year to lose the twenty pounds I’d been trying to lose and everything changed. I changed.

In the years since, as I learned about behavioral change, it became clear that time was a major key to my success. It makes sense if you think about it; a habit is something we’ve done so consistently for so long that we do it without thinking. The cool thing, though, is that we can use the same process to develop new, healthier habits.

How we form habits

There is a proven progression in learning:

1.     from unconscious incompetence (not knowing that you don’t know)

2.     to conscious incompetence (knowing that you don’t know)

3.     to conscious competence (you know what you want to do, but you still have to think about what you’re doing)

4.     to unconscious competence (you automatically do what you want to do).

It’s the shift from conscious competence (the “I should”) to unconscious competence (the “I want to”) that creates sustainable change. You get to the place, in fact, where it feels uncomfortable to go back to your old ways. I hear this voiced all the time with My Nourish Mentor participants near the end of the program. They say, “I look back on how I used to eat and I wouldn’t even choose to do that any more.” Not only have their behaviors shifted; positive emotions and experiences have reinforced those new behaviors and cemented them into place.

Getting there takes time, though. One 2009 study found this long-term shift takes an average of 66 days (incidentally, My Nourish Mentor takes 90 days … I like the extra padding for peaks and valleys).

Reforming habits in real life

Let me give you an example of how this worked in my own life. For years and years and years, I was frustrated with myself because I couldn’t lose the weight I wanted to. I tried diet after diet, but still couldn’t get the dang pounds to stay off. At that point, I was at the first stage of unconscious incompetence; I had no idea what I really needed to do to make sustainable change in the way I ate.

When I finally walked away from silver bullets and diets of the month and dug into learning sound nutritional truths, I knew what I needed to do to lose the weight for good—eat more vegetables and whole grains, and less calorie-dense meat and refined foods—but I didn’t know how to get there without feeling like I was giving up all I enjoyed (sound familiar?). I had gotten to the second stage of conscience incompetence.

I decided to tackle one area at a time. To start, I set out to double the amount of vegetables I ate each day. Sounds easy, sure, but when you’re not used to consuming vegetables in large quantities, there are a lot of hurdles. Like refrigerator space, for instance—I had no idea how much space a pound of kale could take up! And then there was repertoire. Most of my go-to’s at the time centered on refined grains and meat—sandwiches made with deli meats for lunch, pasta with meat or sausage and a bit of veggies for dinner. I was in this third stage of conscious competence for quite some time, working at how to get more vegetables on my plate in a way that got me excited about—not dreading—eating them.

But I did get there over time, and I eventually reached the fourth stage of unconscious competence. Now if I don’t get enough vegetables during the course of the day, I feel a bit off kilter and will crave them for dinner; eating an abundance of veggies has become my norm.

So if you’re struggling with the resolutions you made earlier this month, I urge you to give it time. Set your sights on something you want to change and, over the next two months, experiment, work out the kinks, mess up and try again. Most important, though, consistently practice the way you want to be.

Hara hachi bu is sound advice for many reasons. It takes your brain about twenty minutes to register how much your body has eaten, for instance, so stopping when you feel about 80 percent full means you’ll likely top off around 100 percent. It also gets you tuning in to every bite rather than mindlessly barreling through a burger.

For me, though, that 80 percent is the border over which the battles of will are fought. Here’s a snippet of what my brain sounds like when I’m eating a so-juicy-and-delicious-all-I-can-do-is-close-my-eyes-and-hum burger and I hit my 80 percent mark.

Willful Me (turning a shoulder to Mindful Me): “Shut up, I’m eating.”

Mindful Me: “You know, you’re just going to feel like crap if you eat the whole thing.”

Willful Me: “I’m not listening, I’m not listening …”

Mindful Me: “Seriously, why don’t you just put the rest down and take it home.”

Willful Me: (suddenly taking faster bites): “But there’s really not enough left to take home.”

Mindful Me: “Then why don’t you just put down those last couple bites so you don’t stuff yourself and you can feel a bit better about this whole thing.”

Willful Me: (holding the last bite in front of my mouth): “But I WANT this burger!”

I’ll bet if you miked everyone’s minds at that burger joint you’d hear a lot of conversations that sounded quite similar to mine.

The problem is, we don’t have much experience in listening to our bodies and stopping when we’re full—much less 80 percent full. Instead, we’ve just re-engineered our food so that we can eat more and more and more of it (Oh, I remember the glee when Snackwells would come out with a new cookie flavor). Or we’ll “lighten” something up with the implicit notion that we can eat more of it.

But that’s missing the point.

When we ignore our body’s cues for the sake of … MORE … we’re snubbing our nose at the complex, wonderful system that connects our brains to our tummies.

FYI, I did feel awful after eating that whole burger. I was nauseous and uncomfortable all night, and was mentally flogging myself with guilt (“what was I THINKING?”). But I had another experience with another burger a few months later that felt entirely different.

I cut the burger in half and luxuriated in every bite of the first half. Then I noticed myself starting to feel full. I waited for a few minutes, sipping my beer, and noticed that I continued to feel more full even without eating more. Sure, I was still eyeing that other half. But I remembered how it had felt when Willful Me had had her way last time and, finally, I pushed my plate away.

“I’m done,” I said.

“Aren’t you going to have any more?” Christopher asked?

“No,” I answered. “I’m done.”

I felt great. I felt respectful. I felt at peace.

I’m not saying I’ve mastered the territory struggle for that 20 percent, but I have learned a few battle lessons. Here’s what helps me stop when I’m 80 percent full:

• If you’re at a restaurant and you’ve got a big plate of food, create a smaller portion of it for yourself somewhere on your plate. If you’re at home, start off with a smaller portion. Then let yourself enjoy it with abandon (no guilt allowed!).
• If you catch yourself having a conversation like mine above, try to deliberately subvert your Willful Self. Argue back (“you know what, YOU shut up!”). Throw in some hot buttons (“Fine … if you want to feel like a helium balloon all night, go ahead. I’ll bet you’ll feel great at the pool tomorrow too.”). Your Willful Self is not playing by the rules or being rational, so throw in some curveballs to take control away from her.
• Know, KNOW that you are not saving any starving children by eating the second half of your burger. Yes, it’s probably going to go to waste. So next time, you find someone to share it with.
• Take a break. When you start to feel not hungry, just hit the pause button for a few minutes. It will give you time to check in with how you feel and helps disengage the autopilot that your Willful Self may have you on.
• When you’re feeling somewhere around 80 percent, DECLARE it. Say, out loud, to yourself and/or the table, “I’m done.” It’s powerful.
• Don’t believe your Willful Self when she plays the card of “but if you don’t eat it all, you’ll be hungry again in an hour.” If you get hungry again in an hour, you can have a snack.

Give these a try and let me know if they work for you!

When I go there, my first response is to over-exert my will power. I’m sure it’s born of decades of dieting, but I immediately feel like, if I’m going to prevail, then, dang it, I’d better shore myself up for some hefty denial.

But I know better. I learned on my journey towards Nourish Network that denying myself something only made me want it more. In fact, it was only when I removed the ban on foods I enjoyed that I lost weight and kept it off. So nowadays I take a deep breath and remind myself that celebrations are a natural part of being nourished; my job is to make sure that I’m mindfully indulging in things likeSwiss Chard with Grated Garlic and Braised Kale Tartines with Feta in between the feasts.

In fact, there are a few things I like to do to recalibrate myself in between Thanksgiving and the December holidays, and I’ll be sharing those secrets with members of our Holiday Surthrival Kit.

I find if I’m not mindful about how I approach this time of year, I can feel guilty (when there’s no need to be), frazzled (when a few simple strategies can keep me organized on track) and in general an exhausted prickly mess by the time family arrives on my doorstep.

Truth be told, I created the Holiday Surthrival Kit as much for me (yes, I do use those Meal Grids and day-by-day checklists) as for y’all, although I’ll admit the pretty e-cookbooks (and they are pretty) take it over the top.

And if you’re reading this before December 1^st you’re in luck … click here to get your own Holiday Surthrival Kit for 50% off through the 1^st! Just enter WILDFIRE as the coupon code and get it for $29. After that, you can still grab it throughout December for the usual price of $59.

Whatever you do, DO spend these weeks in between nurturing yourself and getting prepared, rather than torturing yourself with guilt or depriving yourself. You’ll be in a much better place come the end of December, and a much happier person in the New Year.

I was getting a haircut recently when conversation turned to comfort foods (between Kathleen, Deirdre and me in that salon, conversation often turns to food). We started with what to cook in a big, old Le Creuset . . . which led us to braised pork shoulder and various types of stews . . . which led to Kathleen’s method of roasting chicken in her Dutch oven.

“Roast chicken saved my life once,” Deirdre chimed in. Her gaze was distant. She, someone who loves to cook, went on to tell of the early days after a rough divorce when just gathering groceries leveled her, sparse as they were for one. So for a time she turned to frozen meals and convenience foods while the sorrow swept through.

And then, she roasted a chicken.

“It warmed the house up and made it smell like somebody lived there again,” Deirdre said. “It made me feel like things were OK, like I was OK.” Amazing how food has the power to do that; to wrap itself around us like a giant, ephemeral hug.

For all our talk of mac ‘n’ cheese and braises and pizza and soup, in Deirdre’s words, I heard the true meaning of comfort food.

• We snap beans and peas together, and husk corn … often at the table outside or on our front stoop (I think God made front stoops as a place to husk corn and eat popsicles).
• Noemi “zips” greens for me. She loves, loves, loves doing this and is so proud of what a great job she does.
• She cuts soft vegetables and fruits like mushrooms and strawberries. I bought a couple of plastic serrated knives from Curious Chef a couple of years ago and we’ve never looked back. Noe puts a cutting board on her her little “stove,” picks up her knife and goes.
• Noe loves pounding garlic in my mortar and pestle. Last night, as I was pulling together a pasta with zucchini and pesto, she perked up and asked if she could help out. So I put her to work on the pesto (what she’s not so fond of is mommy hopping up to get her camera and then making her hold a pose …).
• A different season, but Noemi also loves getting pomegranate seeds out of the pod, and little things like rolling cheese in breadcrumbs and shaping mounds of dough.

The point is, the kitchen is a really fun place for kids if you invite them to do things that they can excel at and enjoy … no matter what their age. Start them young and your kids will become naturally curious towards food, rather than looking at it as something foisted upon them.

Last night after making her pesto, for instance, Noemi was enthusiastic about sitting down for dinner. And, yes, she did eat the zucchini.

Here’s a little TV segment I did last year on cooking with kids — enjoy!

Even more exciting, though, is what’s ahead. First, though, let me tell you a bit about why we redesigned the site.

As many of you know, I launched Nourish Network in 2009 because I wanted a place where we could explore that sweet spot where health and sustainability and enjoyment all intersect. Early on, I recruited Alison, my long-time editor at Cooking Light and dear friend, to be my right hand gal. And all was good.

Then, once Nourish Network was rolling, quite a few people said to me, “you know, you’re so good at explaining all of this and making it easy to understand … what would you think of creating a coaching program to help people actually make the changes you’re talking about?” And that landed. Big time.

So I delved into the (total) unknown of creating a lesson plan and curriculum and worked like crazy to make My Nourish Mentor. At the time, it was a 6-month program that was divided into small groups that all came together for a weekly phone call (thank you to all the pilot testers and early adopters!!!). It was awesome. After spending almost a decade and a half writing articles and sending them out into the ether, here I was with a front-row seat watching people’s lives change because of what I was teaching them. There was no turning back.

A few months ago, I tweaked the My Nourish Mentor program to make it more accessible–changing it from 6-months to 12-weeks, making it more affordable, and moving it entirely online. I also started developing a full library of online e-courses called NOURISH-U. But … everything felt very disjointed in the Nourish world. Nourish Network had our awesome articles and recipes that people had come to rely on, but My Nourish Mentor and NOURISH-U were like little orphans out in the cold. So Alison and I decided on a total redesign to bring them under the fold (plus a REALLY exciting new offering coming later this week).

Now, at last, I feel like Nourish Network is all I want it to be — a place where you’re empowered to live and eat in a way that nourishes all of you … and your family, and your community, and our planet. I’m glad you’re here.

PS — Is there something you’d like to see on Nourish Network? A topic on our blog, a course on NOURISH-U? Let me know–leave a comment here.

PPSS — If you haven’t already, please join us on Facebook; we’ve got a stellar community gathering over there!

But I’ve learned it doesn’t have to be that way. And in My Nourish Mentor, others are learning it too. As one of them put it, “when I’m eating right, I don’t even want to eat the way I used to. I love that confidence and awareness in my eating.” Here’s how–and why–that happens. And it’s so simple it seems ridiculous. “Good foods” prepared in enticing ways can bring loads of pleasure and “bad foods”–if you’re talking foods like olive oil and chocolate anyway–really aren’t bad at all in reasonable portions.

For me, it was a combination of gaining a firm grasp of what certain foods were doing to my body–that olive oil helped regulate my cholesterol, for instance; and that refined starch sent my body through a tumultuous blood sugar spike without giving it anything to grow strong–and then deliberately taking my eye off the numbers and refocusing on enjoying what was on my plate.

Ironically, once I had that grounding embedded within me and stopped thinking so much, and instead just enjoyed myself, my weight actually dropped. Because what I wanted to eat had changed. And it’s not just me. The person I quoted above just mentioned this week that she’s lost 8 pounds, and another member 20, while on the program … and neither one have once felt deprived.

I’m not talking mindless binging, mind you. I’m talking about engaging with food as, well, food; not a conglomeration of nutrients and numbers and percentages that are destined to make us either miserable or fat or both. The bottom line is that our bodies know better than we think they do. And once we have a bit of a grounding in sound nutrition, WE know better than we think we do.

So I challenge you to give yourself a break. See what it feels like to simply enjoy your meals. Notice how thinking about them as food instead of something sinful or healthy impacts what (and how much) you eat. Notice how it makes your body–and your mind–feel. And, sure, go ahead and check the scale. I’ll bet you’ll be surprised by the results.

These days, Hall is sharing her love of healthy, balanced cuisine through the cooking classes she teaches at Alchemy by Carla Hall in Washington, D.C. Hall also recently launched her Alchemy CookieCollection of petite sweet and savory artisanal treats.

Hall originally wrote this blog post for her site and is letting us share it with you here. We think you’ll love her philosophy on healthy eating and why good nutrition, moderation and occasional indulgences all belong on the same plate.

Hootie-hoo!

By Carla Hall

The key to smart food choices starts with a healthy balance of nutritional foods that allow for some less nutritional foods in moderation. I personally have temptations and unhealthy foods that call my name from time to time. But in order to avoid the feelings of deprivation that can lead to weight gain, you must indulge.

Yes, indulge! Everyone needs to treat themselves from time to time for following a healthy and balanced lifestyle. But be sure to treat yourself in moderation. Know when enough is enough.

Here are some quick tips to help you eat the things you love without overindulging.

Pay attention to your body, and stop when you’ve had enough.

I love food, and I love to eat, and being a chef, I’m constantly around food. If I don’t pay attention to portion sizes and my body’s cues, I’ll keep eating and eating until the food is gone. Eating slowly helps me pace myself and allows my brain to catch up. Matthew [Hall’s husband] is constantly alerting me when I eat too fast.

Eat only when you’re hungry.

This can be difficult for most people. One great way to tell if you are really hungry or just being impulsive is to ask yourself: If the plate was full of broccoli would you still eat it? If you wouldn’t, then don’t reach for the treats that are tempting you.

Give in to your cravings from time to time.

If you have a sweet tooth, go ahead and eat a cookie. But only have one instead of two or three . . . or the whole plate. Easier said than done, I know. Eating in moderation requires training on your part. If you’re able to train yourself to give into cravings without binging, you’ll be able to enjoy the not-so-good foods from time to time.

Use your salad plates.

Studies have shown that using smaller plates at meal time will help you eat less. Another easy trick is to keep the serving dishes in the kitchen while you eat in the dining room. This forces you to get up and walk to the kitchen if you want more.

Everything in moderation leads to a happier, healthier life, as demonstrated in my approach to cooking natural and organic meals with Southern and French-inspired flair.

Beyond what you put in your mouth, regular exercise every day will help you add balance to your life. It’s a natural progression to watch what you eat if you have a consistent exercise regime. Those who have a balance of diet and exercise will ultimately reach total health and wellness faster than those who don’t.

Your diet seemed good to begin with–you’d eaten organic food for years and understood the source of your food better than most people. What was missing?

Even though I ate organic, sustainable food, I ate too much of it, so it’s possible to be a fat foodie. Knowledge about healthy food doesn’t necessarily equate a healthy relationship with it.

It’s not that I ate bad food. I simply ate too much for my body to sustain a healthy weight. When I started the journey of writing the book, I was a size 18.

I’m a feminist at root, and fat can be a feminist issue. It’s a health issue, too. I wasn’t happy to stay at that weight because I was experiencing health problems, especially as I headed toward 50.

What kind of health problems?

High cholesterol, high blood pressure, joint problems. As a yogini, I was having problems doing my practice, and I realized I was doing less and less yoga because it kept getting harder and harder.

You originally planned to conquer your trigger foods (chocolate, cheese, olives, etc.) by understanding them better, but it didn’t work out that way. Why not?

I thought I would go on this journey and there would be some kind of magical gift so I would appreciate my food, love my food and intuitively know how much I should eat and when I should eat it, and I would lose weight. That’s not what happened.

It did give me a much deeper appreciation for those foods that I would somewhat thoughtlessly eat before. I got a much deeper appreciation for the abundance of this planet and the hard work it takes to make these foods. It’s a beautiful thing.

So, I was a size 18, appreciating all this wonderful food and love and abundance, but I still hadn’t fundamentally changed. My journey was to find balance and make peace with my body. In my heart of hearts, I knew that balance meant losing weight.

What finally helped untangle your issues with food?

There were a few spiritual-emotional a-ha moments. One was the three-day fast, because I had all these ideas of what would happen, that didn’t, and then when the hunger did hit, it hit me mercilessly.

How did you react?

With complete anxiety. I realized that what I’d been running from was anxiety and fear. But because I’d made this commitment–and a commitment to write about it–I didn’t run from it. I had sky-high cravings for a very specific salami that’s made in the Bay Area. I’m not sure that if I hadn’t made this very public commitment I would have withstood it. I might have given in.

What I noticed was one of these very basic Buddhist teachings, which is that everything passes. Things change. You can know these things intellectually, but it doesn’t mean you understand them on a physical, soul level.

Then there was the nutritionist who called you fat…

She didn’t mean it meanly at all. It was accurate. It was the beginning of what I call “clear seeing.” There’s a lot of wishful thinking around food and body image and weight. Women have an extra burden–aging women have an even bigger burden. We want to still be seen and beautiful. There’s a lot of anxiety and fear around that.

Being called fat–I think was ready to hear it from a kind, trusted source.

Ultimately, portion control and keeping track of what you eat were the keys to finding your comfortable weight. Those are tried-and-true diet strategies. So–and I’m just playing devil’s advocate here–why didn’t you start with that?

I’m a rebel by nature. If someone gives me the “D” word–diet–I’ll tell them to take a hike. I thought portion control reeked of “diet.”I thought I could outsmart it.

There are all kinds of ways to lose weight, but I realized it was my portions. I started doing portion control and decided to make it a practice. I realized that measuring could, for me be a mindfulness practice.

I discovered that boundaries and limits are very freeing. I didn’t see that at the beginning. There was a sense of entitlement–I’m a food writer!–and the whole thing had to be reframed. Now, if I make room for that bread and cambozola in my day, and I account for it, you bet I’m going to enjoy every bite.

I had to do the work–I couldn’t take any shortcuts. I measure my food every day, and I record it. It’s been very powerful for me.

Have you found the balance you craved?

Now I’m a size 12. Some people will think that’s average, some people will think I’m thin. Others will think I’m fat and everything in between. Without being really ill, I’ll never be a size 6.

The most important thing is that I feel strong, I feel healthy, my yoga practice is kicking butt. The poses that had been off limits to me–my inversions, twists, all that stuff–are coming back into my practice, and that’s really joyful. And I’m 50!

Then things took a surprising turn. Of course comfort food doesn’t have to = junk food, and indeed, there was a strong contingent who chimed in with favorites that nourish body and soul. One had a fondness for veggie-laden chicken soup. Lia favors udon soup when she’s down (she also likes any kind of pizza). She and another commenter also enjoy sauteed Swiss chard.

Can such healthy fare be comforting when you’re lonely? That depends on your outlook. One commenter believed true comfort food is by definition sweet and/or fattening. I, too, like an element of richness in my comfort cuisine. For me, this Indian dal offers the best of both worlds of health and comfort. The lentils have a creamy texture while the onion and carrot sauteed in ghee lend a rich element, and it’s all flavored with earthy, warm spices. That’s my idea of a big culinary hug.